The last couple of days I have been thinking about how to make our afternoons at home meaningful. Since my children are in school 6 hours a day and sleeping another 11, I theoretically have 7 hours with them per day. As a person who has chosen to be a stay-at-home Mom, I want to make those count.
Two of those remaining seven hours are spent getting dressed in the morning and getting ready for bed at night, an hour of that time is in the car traveling place to place. That leaves four hours of 'quality time' per weekday and it is quickly filled with breakfast, dinner, snack time, homework, dance, gymnastics, art, physical therapy, church choir and basketball.
After years of serving as the 'activities coordinator' for my children during the day, there is still a part of me that wants to have something fun for the children to look forward to in the afternoon. Some days I do, but what they really seem to need is down time after being at school all day. So, we generally come home for a snack and free play either before or after whatever extracurricular activity we have on our schedule.
A few afternoons ago as everyone was in different parts of the house playing I started wondering if being home made a difference. I felt a bit like a babysitter, not an engaged parent. While I know there are many, many advantages to my children having one another as constant companions, it is increasingly awkward to get involved in their imaginative games. They don't have their own secret language, but they certainly have their own little culture and shared sense of humor. As much as we all love each other, I am simply not a part of that sometimes.
And, yet, sometimes I am. The most magical moments, the poignant conversations, the shared hurts, the deep questions...those are rarely predictable. They certainly don't come every day, but you cannot schedule when they do happen.
I want to be intentional in my parenting, but not manipulative. As I thought through it I realized that the best thing I can do is simply be there. For me that has meant trying to run few errands and avoiding most calls and e-mails when my kids get home. I am far from 100% on this, but I am trying to really protect our time. The life that happens in the midst of the carpooling, the meals, the homework...those are the moments that will really characterize our relationship. (Ouch!) Their childhood memories will not be defined by the trips to Disney but by how I treated them in the normal moments that made up real life.
I am finding that like the photographer who takes 100 shots to get 1-2 that they love, I need to be available just in case. For every 100 moments there may be 1-2 that are worth framing. Most afternoons will be humdrum. As hard as that is for someone who likes to be on the go, I am realizing that low key is stabilizing for children. They need a port in the storm. I am far more committed to my home being a place of peace and rest than an amusement park.
The moments that seem to matter most--especially in terms of teaching life lessons and reinforcing unconditional love--unfold at random times. I want to be there.
Edited to Add: I woke up this morning worried that working mothers might think I was judging their decision/situation or have an agenda with this post...absolutely not the case. Everyone walks a different road as they are called. I was simply reflecting on my own struggle with being an 'at-home' Mom now that my kids are not 'at home' nearly as much.
11 comments:
Thank you for this poignant reminder! I needed this!!! I have been a regular reader of yours for a couple years, but just recently started my own blog. I can finally come out of hiding! Your blog has been such a blessing to me! Thank you!!!
Amen! I've been working from home after school every day for at least a year, and even though I'm busy with work and the boys are playing and doing homework, it is more than worth it to be there for those little moments. And for me - what a joy to hear them galloping around the house!
Oh, and on your prior post, I have to say that mothers are going to be locking their daughters up when that "Spaniard" of yours turns 16! :)
Have you heard of the Hearts At Home ministries? www.heartsathome.org I think is their website.
You are so right, this is so true, thank you for the reminder! I have been thinking about this too.
Jmom,
As a working mom, the 3 afternoons that I have off each week are filled with my chores around the home. But my kids love those days each week that they know I will be the one picking them up at school and coming home with them. They don't mind the 'hum drum'. They just love home and are glad we are all together. I think kids just love the security of knowing their Mom or Dad is just in the other room whether it's doing laundry or working on dinner. So many kids would give anything to have the security of just knowing Mom or Dad were near by. What a blessing it is to be able to be there for our kids
WIP
Hi - You don't know me, but I found a link to your blog off of Katie Prentiss' blog a short time ago. (I went to school at Montevallo while she and Brian were w/ Campus Outreach there.)
Anyway, I am not a mom yet, but I was a daughter to the best earthly father a girl could ask for. He died right after I graduated college, and now, 6 years later, my favorite memories of him aren't at family vacations or special places. It's of him singing me silly songs while pouring my cereal in the mornings. Or combing my hair while I ate breakfast. Or listening to the radio in the car while he took me to school. Or his coming to every single dance recital and telling me how proud he was of me.
I mean, sure, I remember the trips to the zoo and the Pac-Man rematches on the Atari in our basement, but those other times are what helped to define and strengthen our relationship. They are what make me smile the biggest when I think of him, and are honestly what I miss the very most.
I'm sure your children, although they may not realize now, cherish those times in the car and eating breakfast and those other "hum drum" things. And based on other entries of yours that I've read, you know that too. Just thought I'd remind you. :)
Just wanted to share. Hope it's not creepy that a total stranger read and commented on your blog today. :)
I have often struggled with constantly hovering around my kids while trying to make their time special or simply leaving them alone to play. I have learned that home is so important to my girls because it is the place they can be themselves. And it's not so important what we do, whether it's together or them by themselves, it's just that down time. Our time has evolved over the last few years and I let the girls really dictate what we do (to a point). Sometimes they play alone or together and sometimes they want me to join in. Sometimes they want to help me in the kitchen or with cleaning and we do that. And sometimes we just snuggle and read together. It's just the fact that we are together and at home that is so important to me.
This was such an encouragement to me. Thank you!
This might be my favorite post ever! Especially the photographer comparison.
Being one of the working moms you mentioned, just from my point of view, I didn't feel you were judging my situation (just my 2 cents). Being a full-time working mom, as well as a single mom, making those precious few hours matter is what matters most. I try my best to be there for every event, every non-event, every night, every weekend, every moment possible... JUST IN CASE! Love this post.
Thanks, J. Needed this today. God clarified something I have been praying about through this. Hang in there with the Sweeneys and send them our love.
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