I am not a perfectionist. I am far too much of a realist for that. I know full well my weaknesses and limitations. I am, however, very driven and performance oriented. I do not desire to be THE best...I just want to feel like I did MY best. There really is a big difference. I am not in competition with anyone else. Frankly, my standards for other people are nowhere near as high as they are for myself.
I confessed to a group of women last night, that God is revealing something interesting to me about one of the motivations of blogging: It is my alibi. I am reminded dozens of times everyday of the things I could have/should have done differently. I am mortal. I am flawed. I make lots of mistakes and I am OK with that. But when my husband comes home at the end of a long day to a frazzled shell of a woman or when my children are grown and have their list of the wacky decisions we made as we raised them.. I just want them to know how hard I tried, how much I sought God's wisdom and His help and how desperately I desired to serve well.
I know I must surrender these control and performance issues to God. I am just keeping it real confessing where I am right now.
The more full life becomes, the more I long for a bottom line. Tell me how to be a good Christian/wife/Mom/woman. I want a 12 step program. I don't mind hard work--and goodness knows I love to please...just tell me what I need to do.
I think it is easy to become ensnared in overanalysis. It happens in government, corporations, families, churches... People can get dangerously distracted from their stated objective when they start splitting hairs over things that are comparatively meaningless. I don't want this to happen in my life. I like to ponder. I want to be thoughtful...but last night I started wondering if I am making it more complicated than it needs to be.
Motherhood is not all of me. There are lots of other parts. I tend to write about it the most because in this season in dominates most of my time--but the truth is I am, first and foremost, a child of God. So, what did Jesus himself say of what is expected of us? The most important commandments, according to Jesus are: 1-Love the Lord with all our heart, mind, soul and strength & 2-Love our neighbors as ourselves. Personally, I could spend the rest of my life trying to master those two things.
And in Micah 6:8, we are reminded that God has told us what He requires of us. I have always loved it in the NIV:
"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
When I compared it in the Message tonight it spoke to me:
6-8"How can I stand up before God and show proper respect to the high God?
Should I bring an armload of offerings topped off with yearling calves?
Would God be impressed with thousands of rams, with buckets and barrels of olive oil?
Would he be moved if I sacrificed my firstborn child, my precious baby, to cancel my sin?
But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women.
It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously."
That is a good Word that my soul desperately needed to hear.
I am going back to the basics. Sovereign God. Jesus Christ crucified. Love. Grace. Mercy. Compassion. Peace.
I think that will be enough to keep me busy for a while. :-)