One of the painful realizations I made about toilet training the children is that you once you take them out of diapers, you are in essence handing a lot of control over to very small, not-always-rational people. The kids are now able to dictate when an activity comes to a screeching halt just by uttering 6 little words, "I need to use the potty." This frightens me. Frankly, I have survived the last 3 years largely on order, schedules and control.
I really enjoy an orderly home. I am not as much a deep cleaner as a straightener. I am constantly purging. I believe things should have "a place" and stacks should be kept to a minimum whenever possible (and then, hidden :-). Order helps me psychologically. I get overwhelmed by too much chaos. It makes me grumpy to feel out of control.
I have read people defend this type of structure for little ones as healthy and helpful in keeping them secure. I think there is a lot of truth to that. I certainly leave room for free play, imagination, creative activities and exploration, but generally do so in a somewhat controlled setting. If I am honest with myself I must admit, I too often do what is convenient for me. Selfishness is my moment-by-moment battle.
Lest it sound like I am running a military preschool, I truly emphasize my relationship with my children and do not feel I am sacrificing love and affection in order to maintain order. Yet, I cannot help but wonder if my scales have gotten a little too tipped in the direction of spouting orders, as opposed to letting the children lead the way sometimes.
I know incredible Moms that operate their home quite differently. Their gift sets are completely opposite from mine. They joyfully go with the flow. They don't obsess over keeping things picked up. I don't feel like one is better or worse. I think it is a personality thing. You do what works for your family.
Lately, I have felt challenged to evaluate how much of my order keeping is necessary versus selfish. When I make a "rule" or tell my children to do something, what is my motivation? Am I truly trying to keep them safe, teach them a life skill or a discipline...or am I just trying to make my own life easier? (Ouch.)
Father, I submit my love of control and order to you. I pray that you will guide me. Grant me peace when the motivation of my heart is pure and convict me when it is not. I desire to model your love and grace to these sweet children and my husband. Achieving balance is hard! I cannot do it myself. Fill me with your Spirit. Amen.
16 comments:
Jen
You and I sound so much alike. I could have written this post exactly as you did. I am glad I am not the only one that likes order. You are doing an awesome job and your trio are so lucky to have you as their mother.Kirstin
Your blog is incredibly inspiring! It's also beautiful to look at...not only your gorgeous children, but the design. (I knew immediately it had to be Bluebird Blogs. I just recently had a blog makeover from Susie...she's incredible.) Anyway, I hope to stop back often!
Wow, I can SO relate! I am the same way. I could have written this word for word, including the potty training aspect of this. Thanks for challenging me to think more about this area of my life today.
You wrote a great word here. The Lord used it to speak to me and my 'orderliness'. My husband and I both are order freaks but I'm a planner and thereby a controller of the schedule and everything surrounding that. Thanks for letting God speak through you!
I could add a huge "ditto" to your whole post! Sounds like you're describing me to a tee!! Thanks for writing out exactly how I feel in my heart, right down to the convictions of control freak and selfishness. And yes ~ ouch!
This speaks to my heart. I am so guilty of worrying about the mess and not the fun. I know I need to let go just a little. Thanks for the inspiration.
Ahhhhh....you are not alone. :) I have been working on this area for quite some time now after I've learned my house will never remain clean again as long as our boys live at home...for the next 18 years or so. However, I'm learning to find keep our home liveable without going too far one way or the other. After all, we live here, and I want the boys to feel like they can have fun here. It's all been a part of letting go of the way I used to be, and I think I'm getting used to it. :)
But schedules? All for them! I'm sure that is one of the only ways I have survived thus far. But like you said, each family is different and what works for one doesn't always work for another.
Ouch! Triple ouch! I wonder how many times I am sending out a message to my children to do something or not do something out of necessity or m,y own personal need. What am I trying to teach them exactly? What a deep question. You inspire me Jen.
A big ouch for me too! I appreciate your candidness on this subject. It's sooo hard! Your closing prayer hit the nail on the head. I'll be coming back to pray and re-pray it often.
I wish we had a schedule! It just does not work for us, no matter how we try! And the cleaning! Ugh- I remember how neat the house used to be and now I don't even bother picking up toys, she'll pull out tomorrow anyway...
Yeah- we are total opposites here, but I WISH we operated that smoothly! Oh well, different strokes.
Good call on nixing anonymous comments, I think I may do that as well.
Balance is good...and teaching a love of order is a good thing as well. I don't like a lot of chaos, but there are times...well. The Clean-Up song is very handy.
Let us all please step back and not condemn or cast stones. It is not our place. Anonymous made comments that may have been out of line; however, we do not know why. Perhaps they had just lost a family member, a spouse or recently diagnosed with a life threatening disease. As Christians and God-fearing members of society, we should open our arms to anyone crying out in need. This crying out happens in many ways. My fellow brothers and sisters, I feel we have failed this individual with our condemning comments. Let us all pray to our Lord for forgiveness and to truly realize empathy for all of humankind. Peace and love be with you all. Let us all pray.
I am SO right there with you! I find myself constantly trying to balance my need for neatness and order in my home with my daughters' need for playtime with their mom.
I try to remember these wise words of a friend, uttered during a discussion of this very topic. She said, "When I think about my childhood, I remember having fun with my mom, not whether or not the house was clean."
I came over from Perri's blog (I read often but haven't commented). This post really struck a cord in me - as I have the same issues within myself.
I like order and control and cleanliness and all that...and when it doesn't stay that way I get very grumpy.
Your story and family are very inspiring!
This is so true...I am always evaluating my motives...to see if I am just wanting things to go my way or am I really serving my family and meeting their needs with a genuine heart of love and selflessness?
Your children are getting so big!!! Congrats on such great potty training days...we are getting close to that with our little Jack Henry. I have never potty trained a boy...any helpful tips you can pass on would be great!!!
Kim
LOL It's SO funny that Flicka and your darlings are so close in age - you'd think you were peeking in at my house this week!
Had a starling revelation this week of the same sort of thing...how much of my "structure" is for ME and my to-do list and how much is for the good and training up of Flicka and Pojke? *sigh*
Sadly, the balance is too often tipped in my favor, to my comfort instead of theirs. And, then I wonder why it's so hard for them to cooperate! Ha!
We've got some possible big-time (but temporary) changes coming here and in my stress, anticipation, and anxiety, Momma's daily mission often puts little one's hearts, desires, wants, and needs aside. How sad is that?
I'm printing out your prayer and putting it up so I can reminded of the One who blessed me despite my "giant" of infertility with these two miracles and the One who hold me and them in His mighty hands each day.
As usual - thank you for the wake-up call/ confirmation. Your insight into your daily parenting struggles and revelations and your walk with the Lord blesses me daily! Keep up the Good work! (((hugs)))
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