Encouragement that Matters

When my trio was starting 9th grade I recognized that successful encouragement needed to be in a language teenagers not only understood but personally valued. I asked my teens to each give me three words they hope other people would one day use to describe them by the time they graduated. 

Because this is a somewhat odd question to pose to 9th graders, I framed it around all the job and college applications they would complete in the coming years. What words did they hope people used when writing a positive recommendation? Some of their responses were more thoughtful than others, but even their ability to answer the question provided insight into where they were in the process. 

I kept these words on a sticky note on the side of my refrigerator for months. I tried to tailor my praise and coaching to use their personally chosen attributes when possible.  When positively reinforcing a trait I would say with a knowing grin, "That sounds like something a _____ person would do!" Likewise, when facing a tough choice I had language they cared about to say, "what would a ____ person do?" As silly as this sounds, it was a great way to invite conversation (and reflection). It also gave me insight into what traits mattered to my children and allowed me to tap into their values.

Like many parenting tricks, this one faded away over time, but recently, I decided to revisit this conversation with a slightly different spin. Over Christmas break as we discussed the importance of this Junior Spring semester, asking them to set goals felt flat. So, instead, I acknowledged that after 17 years, they knew what their Dad and I valued, so I wanted to hear what THEY thought was important. 

Of the nine goals they mentioned, only three involved performance. I was surprised to hear words like community, family, and music. It gave me a lot to think about in terms of what we emphasize and celebrate, as well as what I have neglected to recognize as valuable to my teens.

I challenge you to ask similar questions of the kids in your life. It makes for great conversation and sets you up to listen to their hearts!

As we head towards our launch from the nest it is helpful for our kids to get accustomed to naming not just their academic or career goal, but their values. This will set them up to make much better decisions about the life they are making and the people they are becoming, not just the next accomplishment.