The Baton

I have been heavy and jumpy this week--a tightness in my chest and an inability to fully catch my breath.

It has been a season where the hurt of this world has been very apparent in the lives of intimate friends. The death of a beloved mother in our small community (and church family) has been a conduit for tender, tearful conversations everywhere I go--poolside, parking lots after kid drop-offs, over chicken salad sandwiches in delis at midday.

As I was talking to the Lord about it this morning I realized in addition to a funeral today, two of my closest friends are having divorce papers signed, my foster baby has only 1 more week in my home (after a year) and this big house is eerily quiet as all three of my teenagers are off at camps throughout the Southeast.

Yet in the last 24 hours I have had two powerful reminders of how much God is at work--even when it isn't on our time schedule or pretty and pain-free like we'd prefer.

My relationship with the bio parents of our foster daughter has been a huge focus over the past year. God has made my heart truly for them, even when frustratingly navigating the difficulties of co-parenting with people you didn't choose. We've celebrated life events together for the sake of their daughter. In recent weeks, I have started to see a true trust develop that I hope will continue to bear fruit.

The most powerful moment, however, came earlier today after breakfast. Each morning we look at our foster daughter's refrigerator "cal-den-der" to see the day's activities (represented by symbols), the number of sleeps until her next family visit and how much longer until court. As she realized today how close we are to the end, I saw her face twist.

I knelt down to her face and said, "You know, that last day isn't a forever goodbye. Your Mommy says we can still see each other and talk sometimes."

She paused as if to imagine this reverse scenario, where perhaps her home is there and her visits are here. Then she used her hands to make a gap twice as wide as her shoulders. "You know I have a lot of love in my heart? It's big 'cuz so many people love me."

It almost took my breath away.

"Yes, I know," I replied.

"And you know who loves me most of all?" she chirped.

I nodded affirmatively as she pronounced, "Je-sus!"

In an instant, I felt God's peace. It is time to pass the baton.

It can be so tempting to think her earthly safety, development, and growth is my forever job. But that is not what the relay of her life looks like. THIS was the job. Being present, God-with-skin-on, as she learned about her Creator and Savior, was our role in this leg. Our season is winding down, but our loving, sovereign God is worthy of my trust as we pass the baton back to her parents for this next leg.

"Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."

As I consider the wider implications for all the other hard things in my opening paragraphs, and the seasons I have yet to face with my teenagers, my marriage, and challenging relationships in my life one thing is certain...There is a divine story being written.

We can make ourselves soul weary trying to be all and do all or we can lean into the Holy Spirit and rely on His leadership for what batons are ours and for how long.

He sees the big picture. I do not.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith..." Hebrews 12:1-2 ESV

So, may we run the race the Lord has set before us--not the offroad, overachiever (or perhaps shortcuts) we choose, but what He has chosen. He will equip us, accompany us and lead us through those seasons.

"Consider him... so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted." Hebrews 12: 3 ESV