Falling Off My High Horse

Cooking has never been my forte. My husband’s schedule is completely unpredictable. Therefore, on the occasions when we are able to eat dinner together as a family it is always a last minute decision and generally in a restaurant. We have been doing this since the children were 3-4 months old and they have historically been remarkably well-behaved in restaurants. Often, people make a special point to stop by our table and compliment the children’s behavior. I admit I have secretly taken great pride in this…until recently, when the stone cold reality of toddlerhood has come crashing in and knocked me right off my high horse squarely onto my bottom! Seriously. Who do I think I am? Oh, parenthood, it is truly the great equalizer.

The crash started Friday when the children and I went to a local deli where we dine weekly. The staff are predominantly retirees who comment on how they cannot believe I can take 2 year olds out for a peaceful lunch. As I was standing at the counter ordering, K threw herself dramatically on the floor and pitched a textbook temper tantrum, complete with clenched fists beating the floor as she wailed about wanting her own bag of Doritos. I tried to ignore her, just as I would at home, despite the stares from the employees and patrons. The restaurant manager insisted she must be getting sick. I assured her the only thing we were suffered from could only be cured with age.

I was hoping this was an isolated event, as getting out for dinner is really a sanity saver for me. But tonight’s dinner was a complete meal of humble pie.

Within minutes of being seated, R insisted he had poopie pants—quite loudly—over and over again. Daddy took him out to change him (not poopie) and when he returned he insisted he really was poopie this time through tears and screaming. This led to all 3 uttering various phrases all involving the word poop, in increasingly loud voices…AT THE DINNER TABLE, IN PUBLIC, while other people attempted to enjoy their dinner. I removed R from the table, warning him that his behavior would not be tolerated.

When we returned to the table, K & P were still talking about BMs. In a moment of complete desperation, I told the children I would order ice cream after dinner for anyone who could complete their meal without using the word 'poop' again. This was wrong on so many levels, one of which is the fact that we eat at Longhorn weekly and until tonight the children were not aware they served sweets.

As dinner arrived, one of the children decided they wanted to use the potty. We have only dabbled in potty training, so this was clearly an exercise in curiosity NOT necessity. Predictably, all 3 were suddenly asserting that they, too, needed to use the potty. I told them we would use the potty at home and R proceeded to pitch a fit that he “want to use DIS potty!!!” My biggest hang up about potty training, frankly, is having to take my babies into germ laden public restrooms—I despise them. Daddy, aware of this idiosyncrasy, giggled and asked, “Do you feel like you are living a nightmare right now? Like you have shown up in public naked?”

As R wailed about the potty, the waitress decided that maybe she could parent our children better than us and delivered bags of Teddy Grahams to each child, before they had even touched their food. You can only imagine how well it went over when I attempted to pry the bags of Teddy Grahams out of their hands and get them to eat steamed veggies instead.

Cue the next phrase that proved I am truly worthy of the SuperMom Hall of Fame…"If you want the ice cream & Teddy Grahams you have to eat your French fries & hotdogs first.”

It was at this point, Daddy & I did the only thing we could do. We laughed until our sides ached. How far we have come from the time when we thought we had all the answers to the behavior challenges of "other people's children." Just then, some friends from church sitting across the room turned to us and said, “We were really worried about bringing our 3 year old who had not napped today until we saw ya’ll walk in. Thanks for the entertainment.”

I have it soooo together. ;-)